Originally Written on Feb. 3, 2017, by MacKenzie.
This is a story about love, and ultimately, loss.
Please read this with caution if you believe this may cause you any heartache. 

I was admitted to the hospital on Monday Feb. 1, because my fluid levels were low. They told me if they didn't come up by Tuesday I'd have to be induceded Tuesday night Wednesday morning (midnight).

They started our induction at 12:33am Wednesday, Feb. 3. I was in my nightgown I had picked for this special moment. My doulas (Adam, Tiffany, and Caroline) were all on standby. Adam and I practiced for MONTHS preparing for this moment. We didn't know what was going to happen after but oh man were we knew how to bring you Earthside.

They started out by putting a tapeworm (okay it wasn't really a tapeworm but it looked like one!) close to cervix to start dilation. I remember them telling me, "go ahead and go to sleep. The Cervidil (tapeworm) will take at least 12 hours to work then we'll start your pitocin. Get some rest and we'll see you in a few hours." I rolled my eyes the hardest I had ever rolled them before. More than a 12 hour labor for MacKenzie the crazy baby lady whose already had two kids? I don't think so.

"I'm not going past 12 hours so have your doctors ready." I said. I laid down with your daddy in a tiny hospital bed and dosed off to sleep. For a woman whose 9 months pregnant and takes up an entire bed at home this was not going to work but we made it work.

Around 4:15 I felt someone starring at me as we slept. That uneasiness put me off and woke me up. I heard a voice by the door say, "I'll just come back when she wakes up." Well, thanks for the offer but you've already been starring at me for five minutes so, "I'm up." I said as I sat up annoyed.

"I am the anesthesiologist, I just came in to see if you wanted your epidural."
"No thank you. Please don't come back unless I ask for you." I said gruntled.

Now I'm awake and I can feel the pressure waves that have been already going on for four hours. I breathe deep and slow through each wave as the climb, peak, and fade. Up up up up up BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE down down down down down. Your daddy is still sleeping peacefully next to me when the nurse comes in and ask to check me, I refuse but per my induction they had to put in to use Fuley Bulb. They inserted the catheter at 4:45 am. I instantly went from a soft 3cm 100% to hard 4cm 100% in three minutes. All the bad juju in the world would've been BETTER than that damn catheter.

At this point I've woken up your dad. Pressure waves are coming and going constantly. I needed some one on one time. We turned on our playlist and our boy Jimi Hendrix came on singing Voodoo Child and we danced. We swayed our hips side to side. Your dad was always saying, "You're beautiful. You're strong. You're working towards our baby." He was right. I am beautiful, strong, and I was already working to bring you here.

At around 6 pressure waves start slowly dying off, but man am I grateful for a break. I was tired. I sat on the hospital bed with my legs spread wide humming back to the music blasting in the room. But then I felt sick. Like I needed to puke. Being so in the moment I had no idea my body had made it to 10cm and was transitioning me to a place I had never met before.
I start screaming, "GET THESE MONITORS OFF OF ME! GET THIS IV OUT! I HAVE TO POOP! PLEASE GET THIS STUFF OFF!" Pressure waves were coming faster than I could blink. They were soooo intense. Wave twenty second break wave. I kept trying to fight the discomfort. It was too much too fast.

I'm sitting on the toilet crying, "Can we take the cervidil out? I just need a break for a moment."
"No honey we can't." The nurse replied.
"Give me IV pain meds then something I can't do this." I knew deep down that's not what I really wanted I really just wanted the discomfort to end.
"You have to get back in the bed first." The nurse replied.

Adam calmly came in the bathroom and rubbed my back, then whispered in my ear, "baby it's time to push. You can do it. Let's stand up and walk to the bed." He helped me stand and walk to the bed. Walking towards the bed I see Tiffany come in.

"Tiff, I can't do it, I need something. I can't do this." I sob.
"STOP! She doesn't need that. Let me talk to her first!" Tiffany yelled.

She met me at the bedside and rubbed my head. She told me I could this, I was born to do this, and she was going to help me get through it. All of the love I received that morning was what kept me going.

Doctors flood the room. The nurse keeps telling me not to push because no one was ready. I wasn't pushing anyway, I let my body bring you out on its own. One doctor came over and was putting on her left hand glove as she introduced herself. She couldn't finish telling me her name before another pressure wave and you slipped right out and on her hand with ease.

At 6:30am on Wednesday February 3, 2016 you were here. You were perfect. Regardless of what we could see on the inside my darling you were PERFECT! You had a head full of hair, ten little fingers and toes. But I still hadn't heard you cry.

"What's going on? Why isn't he crying? Is he okay? Does he have Down Syndrome? HENDRIX PLEASE CRY!" I begin begging from the hospital screaming to my kid to please cry when all of a sudden you let out the tiniest loudest blood curling scream I think anyone had ever heard.

Today is bitter sweet. Because it was one of the greatest days of my life, but it sucks because you aren't here to see your birthday. Instead we are spending your day laying your tiny body to rest and saying our goodbyes until we meet again. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom and letting me love you for 11 months. Thank you for being everything I dreamed, and more. You brought so much joy to my life son, and I would do anything in the world to get you back. I know everyone keeps saying I did the best I could, but maybe I could've done better. I could've held you more, cuddled you closer, told you I loved you more. It only seems fair compared to everything you've given me. But I want you to know I tried, and if I could go back and do it again I would.

I love you so much Punch.